Tabula rasa. A metamorphic term which I refer to often when contemplating my own metamorphosis.

     I believe it is either consciously or unconsciously understood that the crux of adulthood resides in finding an equilibrium between ones own neuroticism and that of the world. To completely resolve either is both Sysiphian and redolent of self-immolation, but I trust there lies a peacefulness in a meandering pursuit of order. Of this peace I have held fragments, and they have served me as rafts in a quiet ocean of sadness.

     When faced with a plethora of ways by which to approach equilibrium in my own life I have considered few alternatives outside of my occupation as an acolyte of academic and external quanta of approval. Quite painfully, as many before me, I have discovered this is not balanced. Even now, despite myself, I grasp for some profound insight to entice you the reader as if your satisfaction with my intelligence will be my panacea. For these reasons, I think it is high time I revisit my dusty slate scrawled upon with chalk, crayon, and Mr. Sketch marker to write a few of my own entries.

     Be it a bad relationship, unfortunate household dynamic, or some other adverse circumstance we find ourselves in, to enact change we must believe in the possibility of something better. It is incredibly easy to become weary of belief in a better tomorrow when we are confronted with a long series of saturnine or harrowing todays. This is resignation. It is imperative, that we square eyes with our sensitized feelings of horror at ourselves and the world, then deliberately shift our gaze to what better could be and walk forward, as impossible as it may seem. This acute angle over many moments will be what separates us from the purgatory of hopelessness.

     Once practiced in the art of looking for alternative realities, we can begin to ponder which reality would suit us at all, ultimately moving to the stage of pondering which reality would suit us best. Then we must move, for we have developed the talent of vision and in seeing what could be, we become more uncomfortable with what is.

     That is it. Life is predicated on the need to perpetuate itself. You are alive. You are here perpetuating. You have precipitated from the void and won the war against absence. That is enough. Now, continue and fall in love with the residue of your action.

     We must make decisions, and function within a mesh of decisions which have been made for us. This knowledge is encapsulated brilliantly in the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr, however its wisdom should be extricated, as I believe of many but not all things, from an association with God.

Nestled in this quote is the belief that God harbors all wisdom, which I obviously cannot and will not argue, and that this wisdom is accessible to us.  Which I could argue at length, but will circumnavigate by establishing the axiom that my God resides in a power of observation of and empathy with the circumstances I have found myself in and privy to. Periodically, I am granted access to this insight. Make of that what you will.

     The crux of the matter is this, we must evaluate considering our limited will and influence what obstacles perceived through the lens of our value system seem worthwhile to attack, and attack them ferociously. I assert that the best place to start is with our own internal darkness and discomfort, as we have no greater dominion than in the realm of self. While limited in our recourse for action, we are virtually unlimited in our capacity for imagination, and we may begin here. Depression in my mind is simply, and cripplingly, a sensitization of an unfortunate subset of the spectrum of human emotion. It leaves no room for the other frequencies, which we must work to restore to their rightful abundance with our infinite capacity for imagination. Imagination is the sword we must use against our dragon and our escutcheon a hopeful aftermath.

     I’ve limited the scope of this article to the conversation with self, as I believe solace and understanding reverberates outward from this place. Our dialogue with ourself reflects in our dialogue with others, our dialogue with others influences our actions, and these actions transform our lives.